Precious Peak-Priced Pretender

4301 East 2ND St Unit 2F, Long Beach, CA 90803
Wishing Price: $415,000
Beds: 1
Baths: 1
Sq. Ft.: 900
$/Sq. Ft.: $461
Year Built: 1965
MLS#: P732255
On Redfin: 16 days
HOA: $175
Down Payment: $83,000/$17,000(FHA)
Income Requirement: $95,000
Monthly Nut: $2,400/2,800(FHA)
Description: Beautiful home in the Belmont Heights area. Enjoy the ocean breeze and view from a large bedroom balcony. Located blocks from the beach and Belmont Shore shops and restaurants, Belmont Pier and the Belmont Plaza Olympic Pool. Meticulously maintained with the following upgrades: Bamboo floors throughout, modern walls, refinished cabinets, renovated modern bathroom, subway tile, console sink, remodeled living room with modern built-in shelving unit running expanse of wall, custom closet in bedroom, frosted glass and modern closet doors. Must see as this will not last!

What is a "modern wall"? Is he talking about that bad-ass technology from Minority Report that allows you to access and analyze digital information with the wave of a hand?

Oh.

And notice no mention of in-unit laundry. Community laundry for $415,000?! HA!

I have bad news for you, dude: You are going to lose your ass on this one.

I must concede you've done a decent job upgrading this place, but if you think for one fleeting second you'll walk away from this transaction without your pocketbook sustaining serious blunt-force trauma, you're sadly mistaken.

I keep trying to spread the gospel, but nobody seems to believe me. Look, when you over-improve a property according to your personal whims, you can't expect new buyers to share your identical tastes and stylistic proclivities -- and you definitely can't presume they'll be willing to pay premium dollars and cents for your ideas of good design sense.

To wit:

YEEF.

Dude, you are asking $25,000 more than what you paid at the peak of the housing bubble. I don't care if the garbage disposal is 24-karat gold and $20 bills materialize in your trousers every time you take them out of that shitty IKEA closet of yours...you are not going to get 2007 pricing for this thing.

To give you an idea of what kind of imbecile we're dealing with (as if you needed more evidence), he purchased this 1/1 apartment for $390,000 from a guy who paid just $155,000 seven years earlier.

Really, guy? What were you getting for a WaMu CD back in those days, 5%? 5.5%? That 15% annual appreciation didn't set alarm bells off?

And for that top-dollar price you got a place so crappy that you had to gut it and completely re-do it? Yikes.

I'm no contracting expert, but I'd guess he put $30,000 into upgrades. And that's being conservative. Assuming that's the case, after commissions those upgrade costs will be a total loss. A vanishing act that would make Houdini blush.

And that's assuming this uneven bachelor pad "will not last!" as the realtor so boldly (read: dumbly) claims, and gets full asking price.

A promise:

THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN.

Not with this kitchen, anyway.

Way to chintz out when it comes to the most important aspect of a property. I mean, original stove top and hood? WTF are you thinking?

And those cabinets definitely don't look new. They look (badly) painted with, at best, updated hardware.

Don't get me wrong, overall this is a slick pad in a good building in a killer neighborhood. It has some great attributes. The problem, as with all delusional Long Beach sellers, is the price.

I mean, this nearby property for sale, also with an unimpressive kitchen, is asking $439,000 (he's been on the market for 126 days -- he'll never get that) and features in-unit laundry, a fireplace, an extra bedroom, an extra bathroom, and 450 more square feet of living space. How can our featured seller possibly justify his crazy asking price?

I'm sure you've noticed that owners of these over-designed, over-decorated pads tend to be the most batshit insane when it comes to perceptions of what their "special" places are worth. In fact, this place kind of reminds me of this misguided, thoroughly-impressed-by-his-own-awesomeness fool (who claims to be under contract for full asking!).

They probably both read Dwell under the sheets with a flashlight while John Secada plays in the background if you know what I mean.

Well whaddaya know?

Now we know exactly the type of seller we're dealing with.

Armed with this information, it's guaranteed that this place will never sell. This ego-driven dope will take his self-stroker of a shack off the market long before he admits it isn't special and takes the massive financial hit required to garner a sale.