Short Sale Sob Story

1747 East 2ND St, Long Beach, 90802
Wishing Price: $999,000
Beds: 4
Baths: 2.75
Sq. Ft.: 2,550
$/Sq. Ft.: $392
Lot Size: 4,620 Sq. Ft.
Year Built: 1914
MLS#: F1822956
On Redfin: 184 days
Income Requirement: $250,000
Down Payment: $200,000
Monthly Nut: $5,500
Description: Amazing location!! Alamitos Beach south of Broadway just a quick walk to beach and Bixby Park. The home was substantially remodeled and expanded over the last several years and offers unparalleled charm and location. All new copper plumbing and newer dual zone a/c and heating system. Beautiful 4 bedroom 3 bath home in great beach location!!

This has to be one of the ugliest million-dollar houses in Long Beach. It took me a few minutes to figure out this asking price wasn't a typo.

That's because despite claims to the contrary, this is not an "Amazing location!!" Sure, it's just blocks from the sand, but it's down past Esperanza. Even if you wanted to park your car on the street here, you couldn't anyway because this neighborhood is ground zero for cheap, high-density apartments.

Forget bungee jumping or swimming with Great White sharks sans diving cage, if you want to get your adrenaline pumping just walk around this 'hood at night. I've made that mistake before and I'll never make it again.

"El Bee, how dare you! I live in this area and I feel perfectly safe at night. In fact, the toothless, cart-pushing homeless dudes near the Rite-Aid serve as our Neighborhood Watch."

Hey man, good for you that you feel that way. But I have this thing called a sense of self-preservation and especially if I'm spending A MILLION FREAKING DOLLARS, I want to feel as safe as a lil' joey in his momma's pouch at all times.

Anyhow, this idiot purchased in 2005 for $680,000 (which even for the bubble seems outrageous given the marginal neighborhood), and insists the value appreciated by $220,000 during one of the most horrific housing crashes in the history of carbon-based lifeforms.

"So what, El Bee, we see this kind of greed-faced horseshit all the time. Why feature this particular pig?"

Well, the reason is because even if this place sold for its million-dollar price tag, it would still be a short sale.

That means this fool hit up the Housing ATM for HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS, lived the high life for a few years, and now expects the bank (i.e. you and me) to eat a shit sandwich while he walks away with a slightly dented credit score and no tax liability for the forgiven debt.

Fuck yeah! Awesome! Sign me up!

Uh, P.S., after 184 days on market, there is no shot in hell this place will sell for $999,000. I don't give a crap how much of that HELOC money went into this "substantially remodeled and expanded" dump (and by the way shitbird, if it's so impressive why not include, oh, I dunno, A FUCKING PICTURE?!) this price is way out of line with local prices, local rents, local incomes, and reality. A million dollars is a straight up Mario Brothers pipe dream.

Which means only one thing: Gaming the interminable government system of HAMP, HAFA, HARP, HEAP, HERB, HARK, HANK, HOOF and FASB (the accounting rules that allow banks to keep non-performing loans off their balance sheets, thereby incentivizing said banks not to foreclose) for a year or two and living rent-free, saving a small down payment so he can re-enter the housing market with a government-backed FHA no-skin-in-the-game loan, and eventually sticking taxpayers with the tab racked up by his greed and ignorance.

What a country.