Circle of Duh

2805 East 3RD St #14, 90814
WTF Price: $425,000
Beds: 2
Baths: 2
Sq. Ft.: 1,000
$/Sq. Ft.: $425 (The highest ppsft in this zip is $314)
Year Built: 1974
MLS#: S596231
Source: SoCalMLS
On Redfin: 30 days
HOA Fine: $263
Down Payment: $15,000 (FHA)
Income Requirement (4x income): $106,000 (FHA would probably be more lenient here)
Monthly Nut: $2,900 (FHA)
Description: Fabulous opportunity! This Belmont Heights condo is completely re-done in the highest quality. This property is turn-key and immediate occupancy is available. Upgrades include: Spectacular walnut kitchen with cove ceiling with recessed lighting, tile flooring, stainless steel stove and dishwasher. Eating area. Crown mouldings and baseboards as well as new doors and casings throughout. Living room has an enclosed balcony, beautiful fireplace and is wired for a flat screen over the mantle. Both bathrooms highly upgraded including granite counter tops. The Master bedroom has new fan with lighting and balcony. A walk in closet and 2 additional closets--no storage issues here! This condo won the 2005 Belmont Beautification Award. This has to be the best value on the market today! Laundry Facilities are down the hall.

I was just going to post this property as a Shitty Realtor Photo of the Day, but I feel like the level of sheer delusion and stupidity warrants a further look.

First of all, shithead, thanks for the one photo of a condo that you claim won the highly prestigious "2005 Belmont Beautification Award" (whatever the holy fuck that is). Do you realize how unbelievably stupid that makes you look?

Not only that, but the photo you included has to be one of the most useless, out-of-focus, diarrhea-brained fuck ups I've ever seen. It looks like you took that shot with a Fothflex dipped in a vat of melted margarine while being tased in the corroded artery.

However, I was able to make out that big, gaping hole where the refrigerator should be. Newsflash, asshole: If I have to go out shopping for a new $1,000 fridge and sit around all Saturday waiting for two sweaty dudes to haul it up to my apartment--THIS PLACE AIN'T FUCKING "TURN-KEY."

And then there's the price.  Good lord, man. $425,000?!

For the love of Peter Venkman the tax basis on this thing is only $273,000!

How did you even come up with that number? "How can I convince my therapist that I really am out of my mind"?

The monthly nut on this place, assuming a buyer gets an FHA loan (the FHA's new motto should be: "FHA...where the fuck else you gonna go?") is roughly $2,900. Dude, for a 1,000 square foot apartment that's missing appliances? I'd rather rent on the beach, stay nimble, and save a grand per month while doing it.

Interestingly, the listing information reveals that at one point the price was $390,000 (which is still a crack-smokin' number).  Which begs the question, What bong-loaded economic green shoot prompted that $35,000 increase?

The comps certainly can't be what's fueling this greed-soaked idiocy. The only guy in the area asking for this kind of money is 188 Temple ($435,000) and he's too stupid to even include an interior photo.

Other than that moron, the next closest in price is the highly upgraded 315 Winnipeg ($395,000). And despite sporting an extra 200 square feet and a $30,000 discount, he's been rotting on the market since October with no love.

So what chance does our guy at 2805 3rd have?

But that dose of reality still won't deter him nor hundreds of other Long Beach sellers from enjoying their fool's paradise. To their dying breath they will defend their entitlement to massive bubble profits--market realities be damned.  And some buyers have been bluffed into believing these prices have some footing in reality!  Fools being fooled by fools fooling themselves.  Like one continuous circle of Duh.

Sometimes I get the feeling that the return to normalcy and reasonably affordable housing for hardworking people is nothing but a fata morgana, one that gets further away the closer we seem to get.