The House of Fraud

1071 Newport Ave, 90804
Price: $378,000
Beds: 3
Baths: 1
Sq. Ft.: 753
$/Sq. Ft.: $502
Year Built: 1905
MLS#: S584658
On Redfin: 6 days
Down Payment: $76,000
Monthly Payment: $2,100
Income Requirement: $108,000
Description: THIS PROPERTY HAS BEEN COMPLETELY REMODALED AND CUSTOMIZED INTO A LARGE 1 BED 1 BATH, EVERYTHING IS NEW INSIDE AND OUT, NEW SHUTTERS, LAMINATE FLOORING, LARGE LAUNDRY IN GARAGE. A MUST SEE TO APPRICIATE

"APPRICIATE?" Huh?

And speaking of huh?, the property is listed as a 3-bedroom, 1-bath. But in the listing description the realtard says it's been "REMODALED" into a large 1-bed/1-bath.

Who the fuck would remodale into a smaller, less desirable configuration?!

"Honey, I just customized our 3-series BMW. Yeah, I took out all of the passenger seats. Wanna drive to Big Bear?"

What an idiot.

And that useless 1-bed/1-bath layout makes the asking price of $378,000 that much more deliciously imbecilic.

But I think the pièce de résistance is this gloriously remodaled bathroom.

It looks like they couldn't be bothered to replace the 50s aqua tiles behind the shower knobs (that would require cutting new white tiles to fit around the hardware) so they just tiled around them and painted the wall blue to make it look intentional. How retro!


Overall, though, the inside looks pretty tidy. The fake wood floors are standard flipper fare, but the plantation shutters sure are a nice touch.


Although, what's up with this one?

Doesn't it look like it's sticking out from the wall a good three inches?

Anyhow, the sales history tells a sordid, slimy tale of straw buyers, flipping frenzies, and outright fraud:

Aug 06, 2009 - Listed $378,000
Feb 14, 2009 - Delisted
Feb 14, 2009 - Relisted
Jan 31, 2009 - Delisted
Oct 27, 2008 - Listed
May 18, 2004 - Sold $450,000 (561.4%/yr)
Mar 10, 2004 - Sold $315,000 (21.0%/yr)
Jun 21, 2001 - Sold $187,500 (48.1%/yr)
Apr 20, 2000 - Sold $118,500 (-21.6%/yr)
Apr 15, 1999 - Sold $151,689 (7.1%/yr)
Feb 12, 1998 - Sold $140,000 (531.0%/yr)
Jul 02, 1997 - Sold $45,000

Come on, a $95,000 gain in seven months? A $135,000 gain in 68 days? This thing changed hands seven times in seven years, and you're out of your mind if you think those transactions were all on the up-and-up.

I wouldn't be surprised if this place just changed hands among family members, each transaction showering them with ill-gotten bubble profits.

Anyhow, it's the lender's problem now. And their main problem is that they are going to have a helluva time trying to find a buyer for the current asking price of $378,000. That's a lot of money!

Think about it: Now that the extra bedrooms have been removed, this place has essentially been rendered worthless but to a very narrow demographic of potential buyers: Rich singles or (very compact) couples willing to shoehorn themselves into 753 square feet. Either way, the household income required to realistically keep up with the payments is $108,000 per year!

That's nearly THREE TIMES the median income for 90804! I somehow doubt someone pulling down that kind of coin will appriciate shelling out $2,100 per month to live in this shaky neighborhood.

Hopefully the lender realizes that very soon and gives up on this $502 per square foot asking price.

If not, I wish them luck. They're going to need it.