A Face Only a Flipper Could Love

Address: 5571 E Vernon, 90815
Asking Price: $670,000
Year Built: 1952
Size: 7 beds, 5 baths, 3,675 sq. ft.
$/Sq. Ft.: $182
Purchase price: $155,500
Purchase date: 11/2000
MLS#: S568175
On Redfin: 87 days
Down Payment: $134,000
Monthly Payment: $3,900
Income Requirement: $191,000
Description: UPGRADED!! Beautiful two story house, upgrades throughout including granet, hardwood floors and covered patio.

"Granet"? Oh I get it, those "UPGRADED!!" counter tops must be from France.

I mean, what is this place? Ugh, this monstrosity is just about the ugliest house I have ever seen. And although some dough was clearly spent on the interior, it's still not my thing.

I don't know how you guys feel about crown moulding, but I am firmly in the less-is-more category. Otherwise you start applying that crap to staircases:


Next thing you know you're unwittingly applying it to mailboxes and bathtubs.

The worst is when slanted roofs create awkward application and the air conditioning vents are too high on the wall. Then you end up with head-scratchers like this:

And you absolutely must check out the Aerial View of this house. The kitchen is in the emergency lane of the 405.

Remember how I sarcastically suggested this guy should raise the price by $100,000 to lure a seller?

Well today's idiot ACTUALLY DID! In March the original asking price was $575,000, but two months later it was jacked up to $680,000.

What a jackass.

It should be noted that the day after balooning the asking price to a WTF $680,000, he (pointlessly) cut a whopping $10,000 from the asking price. Why bother?

Anyhow, this delusual Long Beach seller, who purchased for $290,000 in 1998, actually believes he deserves $380,000 in profits (not including commissions and however much he spent perpetually adding on to this oddity), which would earn him almost $35,000 per year of ownership!

That's one hard working house!

And even if he gets that ridiculous sum of money, this mulligan of a house will still be a short sale!

What?!

So during the course of 11 years, he somehow managed to rack up something like $400,000 in Home Equity Lines of Credit and cash-out refinances? Wow, this is going to get ugly.

Uh, uglier, that is.

And the listing agent sure isn't doing the seller any favors with photos like these:

Uh, you couldn't just move that crap out of the way?

And how about a pic of some of the seven bedrooms? Or how's about a pic of just ONE of the five bathrooms?

Man, as if the asking price and lackluster description weren't bad enough? Have you ever actually sold a house?

Here's my favorite part of the listing:
Listing Price Excludes: All Viking Appliances

Taking your ball and going home, eh?

How the seller can justify that greedtarded price of $670,000 while simultaneously promising to rip out the best feature on eviction day is beyond me. I guess I've once again underestimated the greed-faced delusion of Long Beach sellers.

Great find, Carl!