Orange You Glad You Bought in '03?

Wow.

HOUSE WITH 3 BED 2 BATH, THE HOUSE HAS BEEN DIVIDED INTO TWO SEPARATE LIVING SPACES, 2/1 BATH AND 1/1 BATH (GOOD FOR HELP YOURSELF IN THE MORTGAGE PAYMENT) LONG DRIVEWAY WITH CARPORT. CLOOSE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. YOU MUST TO SEE TO APRECIATED.

I think it's a little too "CLOOSE" to that elementary school because agents are apparently outsourcing their work to third-graders.

AND THANK YOU FOR YELLING. YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION. I AM READY TO BUY NOW.

First, do we even need to debate whether their little "TWO SEPARATE LIVING SPACES" construction project was permitted? There's about as much chance of that as gas prices dropping to 50 cents a gallon.

Second, you know a house is severely overpriced when the realtor herself concedes renting out the Bob-Vila-on-a-two-week-meth-bender 1 Bed/1 Bath "apartment" is your only conceivable shot at swinging the mortgage payment. But the realtor told me it's GOOD FOR HELP MYSELF so perhaps I shouldn't be too quick to judge.

There are so many things wrong with this listing (and the property itself) that frankly, I don't know where to begin. I mean, out of the 13 photos provided, three are repeats. And out of the 10 pictures remaining, we get this:


"Do you mind, ladies? We're trying to sell a house here."

I love how there are very few interior shots, but numerous photos of the innumerable parking configurations this gem has to offer:

But, when it comes to staging and photographing the inside of this house, no expense was spared:


Can't you just feel the cockroaches scrambling across your toes as you eat your Frosted Mini-Wheats on that busted-ass catcher's mitt of a sofa?

But enough poking fun, let's get down to brass tacks.

Address: 1080 Orange Ave., 90813
Asking Price: $359,900 (reduced from $391,500)
Year Built: 1920 (Really? The place doesn't look a day over 75)
Size: 3 beds, 2 baths (technically), 1504 sq. ft.
$/Sq. Ft.: $239
Purchase price: $275,000
Purchase date: 1/2003
MLS#: Y802842
On Redfin: 11 days

Almost $360,000 for this asthma shack. Can you even believe it? What does that work out to?

Down Payment: $35,990
Monthly Payment: $2,700
Income Requirement: $90,000 (local median income is around $25,000. You read that correctly, punchy)

That asking price represents nearly $65,000 in profit after commissions. Hell, they deserve it for having to live like derelicts for five years!

Now, you have to give them credit for buying before the bubble really took off. Must be a shrewd businessman, eh? (Well, except for the whole you-picked-the-worst-time-since-The-Great-Depression-to-sell-your-house thing).

Importantly, regardless of the attractive $239 per square foot price (wow, friends. It's getting ugly out there. A few more quarters of this and they'll be paying us to buy condos on the sand) the indisputable fact is that this home is in a terrible, awful, horrendous neighborhood. This 'hood is so bad it makes Fallujah look like Newport Coast.

Honestly, I'm surprised they didn't call this "Alamitos Beach" like so many other real estate fraudsters. They actually admitted this dump is in North Long Beach. And I know I haven't featured much in North LB (because in my mind, just like Rocky V, it doesn't exist), but trust me when I say that if you value your property and your safety you don't want to live there (unless of course, you're a gang member or drug dealer).

I'm sure someone will be quick to single out Bixby Knolls as an exception to the North Long Beach characterization. Yes, Bixby Knolls is extremely nice with amazing(ly overpriced) properties, but it's proximity to rampant crime and poverty makes it difficult to justify those prices. Frankly, I've never understood the allure of Bixby Knolls. Yes, some houses are beautiful and you can actually have a nice sized yard for your kids, but as far as the surrounding area goes it's like a gorgeous, desirable diamond placed gently upon a pile of camel shit.

Anyhow, this property will be lucky to sell for the 2002 value. As we all know, a vast majority of the properties actually selling in nice areas of Long Beach are at 2004 prices, and it'll be '03 in no time. So what hope does that provide to sellers in awful neighborhoods?

And despite the $30,000 price cut, at this asking price they'll have plenty of time to ponder how best to park all of those cars.

If the seller wants to wake up from this nightmare with a reasonable amount of the equity built up during the last few years, they'd better get serious. Either that or open a valet business on the side.